What do I say?

That's kind of how I feel tonight. What do I say?
I don't know how to say what's on my mind.

Brock and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have two amazing little boys and another baby on the way. We have always been pretty mature for our age. We make decisions that aren't always popular with those around us because we may choose God or the church over parties and "fun". I consider us level headed. We always want to do what's best for our family. We are nice people. We aren't perfect, but we try to be the best we can be.

Have you ever had that one person who just wants to ruin it? Have you ever had that one person who just wants to tear you down? What do you say to those people? What do you say to the person who calls you and picks fights with you over pictures you post on Facebook? Grow up? Let me live my life? What do you say to the person who is always the victim?

I feel defeated. Mostly, I feel that I'm doing something wrong by shielding my children from the drama and hardships that myself and Brock have had to endure. And that makes me angry. I don't want to be angry. I realize that I am not doing myself much good by asking these rhetorical questions, but sometimes a girl just has to get it out, right? :)

I'm thanking God today that I have the family that I do. Brock and I have an amazing support system. We are blessed by friends and family that love us and support our decisions. Even though there may be some that don't agree, we are in good company.

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." John 15:18-19

Bedtime

I know that it is no secret that we struggle with bedtime. Ryker, our first born, loves to cuddle. He wants to be close and he doesn't like to sleep alone. You can guarantee that he will come in to our room at least once per night. (If it's after 5am, he wins and stays in bed with me/us.) This tends to be worse on nights that Brock is working.

We had a late night last night and an early morning today. I knew that Ryker was tired and I told him this afternoon that he needed to rest. I dozed off with him sitting next to me. He fell asleep shortly before my alarm went off at 4. When I tried to wake him, he wouldn't wake up. Ugh. I knew bed time would be interesting. So instead of fighting it, I let him stay up about 30 minutes later than normal. Bedtime went smooth and I thought, "This is going to work." HA! He was up after about 5 minutes.

He started to cry about how he wanted to snuggle with me. (This makes it even more difficult to put him to bed!) I took him back to bed twice and he just wasn't staying. This is usually the point that I begin to get angry and pretty much unreasonable. Instead, I asked him what he was scared of. I told him to lay down and he begged me to stay in his room with him. I looked at him and said "God is always here with you. You can talk to him when you are scared." Ryker looked at me and said "Mommy, I want you to sing to me. Please sing Jesus loves me." I stood in there and sang to him, Jesus loves me, Amazing Grace, It is Well with my Soul. When I was finished, I prayed over him. I prayed out loud that God would be with him and calm his fears. I prayed that God would wrap His arms around Ryker and make him feel safe.

When I said Amen, Ryker looked at me and said "Mommy, does God stay up late?" And I told him that God never sleeps. Ryker laughed and said "You mean He never gets tired?" I was able to look into the eyes of my 4 year old and say to him "Baby, God is always listening to you. He never sleeps. He never leaves you. He will always comfort you if you just ask."

Tonight I'm thanking God that Ryker had trouble falling asleep. He provided that moment for the two of us to talk and pray together. Those moments make me thankful.

Doubts

I'm pretty sure I'm screwing this up.

A little over 24 hours ago, I was fighting with my husband over an issue that has gone unresolved.
A little over an hour ago, I was giving Madox a bath and he was smacking me because he didn't want to be washed.
A little over 30 minutes ago, Ryker was screaming at me from his room because he was disrespectful and was put to bed without snuggling and watching a show.

I'm positive I'm screwing this up.

Some days it just feels like all I do is let people down. I let me friends down because I'm not as available as I should be to them. I let my kids down because I had a rough day at work and I'm yelling at them instead of listening. I let my coworkers down because some days I'm just too tired to give 100%. I let my husband down because he doesn't get any attention from me. I let God down because if He gets anything from me on these days, it's worse than sloppy seconds.

I often find myself thinking, "How do I even begin to go on?" It feels like I'm up against impossible odds. No one is getting the best of me. NO ONE. I'm not even getting the best of me. Some days I feel like I just want to sit in my bed and cry instead of facing the day.

Yesterday at church, my dad preached about the Great Commission. He talked about how we are to make disciples. We are to tell people about His great love. I felt something stirring inside me. In my bible, I wrote this prayer: "God, I was made for more. You have something in store for me. Show me!!" I find myself praying this prayer on the bad days. Not asking for Him to remove me from my current situation, but reassuring myself that God has plans for me. He has me here for a reason. He is allowing me to face these trials for a purpose. I pray that He reminds me every day that I really am blessed. I pray that He shows me what my heart is longing for...that contentment in every day life, no matter the circumstance.

Thanks for letting me share my messy heart with you.

Kindness

I have been told a couple times this week "Use your authoritative voice."
I don't usually have that kind of tone unless the words "Ryker Timothy" or "Madox Owen" are coming out of my mouth!

Do you ever wonder what happened to kindness and common courtesy? I feel like people wear it as a badge of honor if they can bully someone in to something. It is incredibly frustrating. Especially for someone who is not particularly blunt face to face.
Facebook plays a big role in this. People hide behind their computer screens and rant. They say what they want and delete you or unfriend you when they don't like what you have to say. I have been guilty of this before but seriously?! How pathetic is that? You made me mad so I'm going to unfriend you! How childish!

I guess this my version of hiding behind a computer screen and ranting, :) but can we at least be kind to one another? Take the high road and be kind, even when it hurts!

Sunday Morning

Here it is again. Sunday morning.
Worship is my favorite thing. Heaven is going to be a blast. I love to sing.
I actually led worship this morning and I believe I was convicted myself.

This morning I shared John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." This is by far my favorite verse right now. So much in one little verse. Do you understand the weight this holds?! Jesus has OVERCOME the WORLD!!

Why do I worry? Why don't I give everything to God? Why don't I worship in EVERYTHING I do? Am I living like I should? Sometimes I feel like a failure. I feel like people must look at me and think, "she's really messing it up." But God looks at me and says "You are mine. I love you and I have overcome the world for you!"

Oh friends, my God loves me but he also loves YOU! He loves you just like he loves me and every other person we know and don't know. I pray that God would use me to witness to those around me.

God I pray that I would be different. Make me like you, please make me like you. I love you and I want to serve you. Thank you for your everlasting love and forgiveness. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for the conviction of the Holy Spirit. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

I don't remember the day. I don't remember exactly what I was doing, but I remember the feeling. Pure terror. My parents had just told me that we were moving to Danville. (What's so great about Danville? A little laugh for my mom who will read this!) Today, I am more than thankful that God led my parents to Old Union Church of Christ. Danville/Bismarck is where I met my husband, made some great friends and really felt like I fit in.

This week has been an emotional one for me. I'm under a lot of stress at work and having a few minor (that feel like major) issues with Ryker. Nothing that I can't get through, but enough to make me feel a little like I'm going to lose my marbles. For some reason, these emotions have made me really nostalgic. I have been put in a few situations this week that make me think, "Things will never be like they used to be." I had to drive over to Champaign and when I was on my way home, I turned down Henning. I drove by Bob and Mary Ellen's old house on Henning and thought of the pool parties we had there. I turned on to "Old Union Road" and passed the spot where Goldie and Clara's house used to be. I remember painting that house when we were still at Old Union. I drove past Old Union. I thought about driving my parent's stick shift around that parking lot over and over again trying to get a feel for the clutch (never got it, by the way). I remember countless services, carry ins, memories.

Sometimes it is hard to look at right now and see it as fondly as back then. Although I'm struggling to see the good in the bad days, there will come a day that I will look back and not even remember the bad. I will remember the times that he walks up and hugs me and tells me "You're my favorite mommy in the whole wide world. I love you."

I'm so thankful that God's ways are better than ours. I never would be where I am today if my parents hadn't listened to His calling. There are so many things that I don't understand, but He does. I don't know when I will learn that I don't need to worry about tomorrow, because He holds me in His hand. He makes all things work together for my good. He has my best interest in mind. Today, I can be thankful for that.

Decisions

This week has been emotional and has made me somewhat anxious.
Ryker started school and he was excited.
I am a planner and I thought I had it all figured out. But I didn't.

Let's start with orientation. I thought that Ryker was to go to school on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I would be off on Thursday and would get to be home with the boys all day. I found out that his days would actually be Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I almost cried on the spot (crazy I know). This was not how I planned it all summer. I quickly began to calm down and think about the fact that I could volunteer in Ryker's classroom once a month or whenever on Thursdays. I'm coming to terms with this. :)

I planned since we registered Ryker for school that I would take the first day of school off work. This would allow Brock and I to drop him off together and pick him up together. It made perfect sense to me. Last week, my boss told me that this just wasn't a possibility. We were too short staffed and I just couldn't have the day off. Bummer. At least I got to go in late to work on Tuesday. I still got to drop him off.

Tuesday-First day of school. I was so excited for Ryker, but also emotional. It is completely understandable to be emotional, but I was determined not to cry (which I didn't...until we got in the van after we left)! I couldn't wait until I got off work to go and see how the first day of school went. When I got in the van, I turned around and looked at Ryker. "How was your first day, buddy?!" His response? "I cried all during nap time because I wanted you and daddy." That was not a part of the plan. He walked in to the school just fine. We barely got a goodbye out of him. The next day Ryker stated the same thing. He said he didn't want to nap at school and he wished he could leave before lunch like his friends.

I was already anxious about Ryker starting school and this didn't help. He is pretty easy going when it comes to going places and I knew that he must be pretty upset. It took an hour for him to fall asleep last night because he didn't want to go to school and take a nap. I know my son...I know that when it comes to bedtime, it's hard enough. I didn't need anything else getting in the way of bedtime. Brock and I talked and we decided if we could work it out, we would switch him to half days.

I fully know that he could have gotten used to going to school all day. I fully know that by switching him to half days we could run the risk of him trying to throw a fit about anything he wants. I ALSO know that he is only 3. He will have plenty of time to go to school ALL day and I am 100% ok with this decision. I'm actually relieved and he is happy. When I told him this afternoon that he only has to go to school in the morning, it was almost like you could see relief on his face.

So, instead of worrying about what others will think, I want to tell you that I made a good decision today. My Ryker is still going to school and learning. He is excited to go to school and he is excited that he gets to come home or go to Kelley's in the afternoon. I'm thankful that my husband listened to my worries and thankful for friends willing to help out so that we could make this work!

Fire Life

As most of you know, I am a fire wife.
It's a weird life. It's a great life. I'm so proud of my husband and his career. As we dated, he would talk about wanting to be a firefighter and I would become excited about being able to call myself a firefighter's girlfriend/wife. My father in law is a firefighter and as Brock and I "grew up" together, we saw this life modeled in front of us. We saw the good times and the hard times. I remember one particular night that Brock dropped me off at home. I went inside to watch the news with my parents and saw that a few firefighters had been taken to the hospital...and then my phone rang. I remember being terrified as we drove to the hospital. Tim had been taken in for smoke inhalation and he was fine, but it didn't take away the fear.

As dreams became a reality and Brock interviewed for the fire department, perspectives changed. We had an almost one year old at home and Brock was getting ready to leave for the first week of fire academy in Champaign. Six weeks he would be gone. He came home on the weekends, but I would cry and cry as he left Sunday night to drive back. It was hard. I was lonely, but I was proud.

This life that we live is not easy. It is lonely at times and it can be so frustrating. We plan everything around Brock's schedule, at least we try to. Brock misses things because he is working. We have adapted to this. Every time I send a text or make a phone call that is unanswered, a slight twinge of panic builds up in me. It's scary in that moment but then to think about the long term effects of the environment that they work in. The threat of cancer and other diseases that my husband may be diagnosed with some day. It's just too much to think about at times.

Why am I talking about this? I want you to understand that it is terrifying to think about what my husband does every day. As if this is not enough, we have to worry about budget cuts, lay offs and the safety of the community being in jeopardy. While I'm worrying about my husband being injured in a fire, I'm also worrying about whether the next city council meeting will end his career as a firefighter. It's also scary to think about lay offs that won't impact my husband because they impact another one of the fire families. The cut in personnel may put my husband in more danger because they do not have enough staffing.

Isn't it enough to worry about the job itself without all these other issues?
Please remember our fire families in this community. You may think that they are sitting in the station doing nothing, but that's really a good day for our community. A day that no one lost a loved one or their home. You see, the firefighters are like insurance. You pay for it and you hope that you never have to use it, but thank God you have it when you need it.
Please pray that our community will see the worth in our department and our firefighters.

Ice Cream and Deep Thoughts

This week has been tough and as I drown my sorrows over some Ben and Jerry's Phish Food, I feel like I should write. There is not much that I can say as I'm struggling with stories and situations that aren't all my own. Sometimes life is so unfair. Life can be going just as you thought it should be and then there is a curveball. It doesn't feel like a curveball though. Most of the time it feels like a big, fat punch in the gut.

Let me talk about one situation that I know I can. I had to say goodbye today. A colleague of mine is moving on to another job. I am thrilled for her. She will do an amazing job as a school nurse! I am even taking her job at Carle in the Orthopedics department (with some fantastic coworkers). This isn't the first time I've had to tell her goodbye, because as some of you know, she left me at the VA and then I followed her to Carle. Today was her last day at work and it was awful!! I'm so thankful that we had this whole week to work together as we did some last minute training. I hugged her goodbye and we cried. It is not going to be the same at Carle without her. Brooke, I will miss you so much! It is making me cry a little bit to think about!

God never gives us more than we can handle. Ugh...I don't know if I like that statement. I think that sometimes God gives us more than we can handle so we can rely on him. The thought above about missing my Brookers (haha! Gotta love the Dr. Plattner nicknames) may seem pretty manageable except that it has been piled on top of other things this week. It seems like it was just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. So, thanks Brooke for letting me cry and be a little more emotional than I expected I would be. Thanks for being my friend and for being a great nurse to look up to! I'm so thankful for you! :)

Feeling thankful

Let me just start by saying,

I had a great weekend.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I'm very blessed.
I'm very thankful.

I've just had this sad feeling all weekend. I've cried more than I wanted to. My husband has been amazing. He lets me cry and comforts me. I know he doesn't understand my emotions. I don't understand them a lot of the time, but he has to put up with a lot of stuff. I'm so thankful for him. I can't imagine what he must think sometimes! (Ha!)

Bed time is always a struggle at our house and last night and tonight were no different. Ryker was crying. He was up out of his bed and back in his bed again. I get so frustrated with him but tonight I just wanted to snuggle him a little longer. I hear people say to be thankful for every moment because it will go so quickly. I feel like that is hard in some of those moments.
Tonight I could honestly say that even though Ryker was crying and whining, I was thankful that he had the ability to talk. As he was getting out of his bed, I was thankful that he had the ability to walk. It feels good to be thankful in some of those tough moments. I now know that it is possible! :)

I know that a lot of my emotion stems from losing the baby. (For those of you that don't know, I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago.) I was doing pretty well and I honestly thought, "I'm taking this better than I thought I would." I was 9 weeks pregnant when I found out that I was having a miscarriage. I was making plans in my head. I saw three car seats in the back of my van. I saw my two boys sharing a room so the new baby could have the nursery. How silly of me to think that I was done grieving. I know there are far worse things in this life that I could experience, but even though I know that, I need to allow myself time to be sad.

I appreciate all the prayers and support that have been offered to our family. I know that God has blessed us in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I know that He has a plan for us. I'm thankful for my faith and hope in Jesus. How can others get through the hard times without Him?

Just Surviving

I don't know about you, but when I'm at work, I start making this mental list. It usually goes something like this:

-Pick the kids up
-Make dinner
-Play something really fun with them
-Create something, maybe with play doh
-Watch a show
-Say prayers
-Put the kids to bed
-Fold laundry
-Clean the toilets
-Clean out my closet
-Read my bible
-Go to bed at a decent time

This evening started out harmless. I went and picked the kids up from my parent's house. While I was there my mom told me that Big R had some scrub tops and pants on sale for $5 (score!) I decided that a quick trip to Big R could be feasible and then I could complete my list. Let me just tell you, if you were in a 5 mile radius of Big R around 5:30-6:00, and you heard screaming, that would be my child. I don't know why he was screaming. All I knew was that he wasn't happy and he was letting everyone know about it.

We finally get home from the Big R fiasco. I walk in the door and I am greeted by Remi, our new puppy (yeah, let's not even talk about how she came about...let's just move on). Ryker says, "Why is Remi out of her cage?" I began to answer and then stepped on something soft, poop to be exact. As I'm trying to get the boys in the door, keep the dog from darting out, clean up poop and keep Madox out of the poop, the screaming begins again. I think, "Maybe he is hungry?." I quickly get the dogs out and get the kids some dinner. Come to find out, Remi chewed a nice little hole in her enclosure.

This new discovery then calls for a trip to Wal-Mart. We actually get in and out of Wal-Mart pretty quickly without much to report. We come home, I change Madox and put him to bed. He must just be tired. Nope...I think he screamed for 15 minutes. I decide to let Ryker stay up late tonight because he took a nap at the babysitter's today. As soon as I put him to bed (at 9:15, an hour and 15 minutes after his normal bedtime), his screaming begins.

Needless to say, not much was accomplished on my list tonight. Do you ever feel like you have days where you just survive? That was today for me. I'm lucky that I got through. Please believe me when I say that you aren't alone if you feel like you are failing. It was all I could do to choke back tears tonight as I sat on the couch. The screaming had finally stopped. It was 9:50 and I was going to bed in 10 minutes. Haha...that didn't quite happen.

I think these days come around to knock us down a few notches. Man, I know sometimes I catch myself thinking, "I'm pretty awesome. I get things done. I take care of my kids. I play with them." Then in the next moment, my child is screaming. Waking me from a dream! I know I'm a good mom, but I also know that I screw up. I'm so thankful that God works through us even when we screw up. My kids know that I'm not a bad mom, but I may have a bad day. That happens.

Sometimes, you just have to let the things that need to be done, sit. I have a basket full of laundry sitting on my couch. I knew in that moment that I needed some alone time, to write and to read, not fold a basket of laundry. That basket will be there in the morning. Make it wait. On days that you may be "just surviving", don't forget to take a break for yourself and don't forget to thank God for getting you through another day, as crazy as it may have been!

Not Right Now

Not Right Now...

Have you heard this song?
If not, listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ullv_XN2d8M

Now, my house didn't burn down, but life has thrown Brock and me a curve ball. If you look up the meaning behind this song, Jason Gray talks about how it was inspired by the story of Job and his so called friends who came to encourage him. Have you ever been in the spot of Job's friends? Trying to encourage someone who feels like everything is falling apart? It's tough. You just want to say something. Anything. Typically, nothing we say will provide any comfort, but as their friend, we feel obligated to try.

I have not been on the other side of this very often. I've not been the one who need comforted. Can I just tell you, it sucks. People are trying their hardest to make you feel better and you want to, but you just can't. It's not all the time, you know. I don't always feel like I want to burst into tears. Just in the quiet moments, when it hits me again. Then I dial it back. There are so many worse things that could happen. Is it sad that I have to worry about grieving? I think about the things that could have been and the tears come again.

God has a plan and I know that. There is a reason that this happened and I know that. But if I may, allow me to quote the end of the song I shared:

"While I wait for the smoke to clear, you don't even have to speak.
Just sit with me in the ashes here and together we can pray for peace
to the one acquainted with our grief."

Please don't take this negatively. I appreciate the kind words, but once again, let me say,
"I know someday. I know somehow. I'll be ok, but not right now. No, not right now."

Love you all! <3

Discouraged

I'm not very good at keeping up with this on a regular basis. I come here when I really don't know how to keep it all in. I feel like there are so many things going through my mind that they have to come out. I don't even care if anyone reads it...it just has to go somewhere.

I woke up this morning just like usual. I think the first words that popped in my head were "God, I'm not strong enough for this." As I got ready for work, I found myself saying "God, don't I already have enough on my plate?" "I am dealing with stressors in other parts of my life. Not this, please." I'm begging him. "I don't understand." "Haven't you tested me enough?" "Haven't I cried enough tears?" Tears are streaming down my face.

Now I know there are far worse things in life than what I may be going through at this particular time. But don't you ever feel this way? As if what I'm dealing with at this moment wasn't enough, we had another situation arise today that just seems to be ongoing. I can see the stress building as I want to scream "WHY GOD?" We are dealing with enough today...not this too. In my frustration, I know that God has me in His hands. In my desperation, I know He will comfort me. In my fear, I know He will protect me.


"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Who am I to doubt a God who loves me? Who am I to doubt a God who allows me to cast my sin on him? Who am I to doubt a God who DIED for me? Life is hard, but how great will our reward be if we are faithful to the only one in whom we should trust. Praise the Lord for his promise.

Though the sorrow may last for the night, his joy comes in the morning.