Do you ever feel like you are watching someone fall apart before your very eyes?
Do you ever feel like you notice major changes in someone but you can't put your finger on it?
I'm having a hard time these days. I've noticed changes in myself. I feel more committed to my husband and my family than ever before. I'm very happy and comfortable with them, but I'm not happy and comfortable with myself. These are things I'm certainly working on, but what if you notice changes for the negative in others? How do you address that? I'm lucky enough to have a few friends who may text me out of the blue and say "are you alright?". I just don't feel as if I'm bold enough to reach out. But what if what I said would save them from heartache and pain? What if what I said to them changed their life for the better? What if by my intervention, God could really work through me?
What am I so afraid of?
God is always on our side. Even when we mess up, He still loves us. Why can't I allow that love to flow through me to be bold enough to reach out to the ones I love in their time of need?
Just some thoughts I'm pondering.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Purpose
I know I have a purpose. I know that I was born for such a time as this. I don't know how many times I have prayed "I know you have plans for me God.please use me." Recently I have gotten the feeling that God wants to use me in a big way, but recently I have been more discouraged than I have ever been.
When you are a mom, you are busy. There is no way around it. When you are a working mom, you are even more busy and LONELY. I see all these women who are leading small groups and attending bible studies. They are leading retreats and doing all these awesome things and I am sitting at home trying not to fall asleep doing my daily reading. Can I be honest here and say I don't remember the last time I didn't fall asleep during my prayer?! Sounds pretty ridiculous coming from someone who just said she felt like God wanted to use her in a big way.
I want to be transparent and tell you that this past week I have struggled. I don't know if it is the lack of sun combined with my history of depression or if it is just the devil. I can't find much joy. I find myself saying, "how did I miss that opportunity? I'm at the church all the time." "Do I look so frazzled that people don't think I would be interested?" Ugh, folks, I'm in a funk. I feel like I am alone. I know that I'm not. I know there are other moms out there. I know there are people that can relate to me, but it doesn't make me feel any less alone in those moments. I struggle feeling like everyone is moving around me and I'm just standing still. I feel like I am being left behind. Sounds crazy, I know.
The devil does a really good job of discouraging me when I'm already feeling alone. But I was reminded this morning that " He makes all things work together for my good." Isn't that a wonderful promise?! How can you not feel better after hearing those words? Although I may be discouraged and I fail Him daily, He still came to die for me and He would do it again. I know I don't deserve that. I am thankful for the promises that He gives me even in the midst of hard times.
When you are a mom, you are busy. There is no way around it. When you are a working mom, you are even more busy and LONELY. I see all these women who are leading small groups and attending bible studies. They are leading retreats and doing all these awesome things and I am sitting at home trying not to fall asleep doing my daily reading. Can I be honest here and say I don't remember the last time I didn't fall asleep during my prayer?! Sounds pretty ridiculous coming from someone who just said she felt like God wanted to use her in a big way.
I want to be transparent and tell you that this past week I have struggled. I don't know if it is the lack of sun combined with my history of depression or if it is just the devil. I can't find much joy. I find myself saying, "how did I miss that opportunity? I'm at the church all the time." "Do I look so frazzled that people don't think I would be interested?" Ugh, folks, I'm in a funk. I feel like I am alone. I know that I'm not. I know there are other moms out there. I know there are people that can relate to me, but it doesn't make me feel any less alone in those moments. I struggle feeling like everyone is moving around me and I'm just standing still. I feel like I am being left behind. Sounds crazy, I know.
The devil does a really good job of discouraging me when I'm already feeling alone. But I was reminded this morning that " He makes all things work together for my good." Isn't that a wonderful promise?! How can you not feel better after hearing those words? Although I may be discouraged and I fail Him daily, He still came to die for me and He would do it again. I know I don't deserve that. I am thankful for the promises that He gives me even in the midst of hard times.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
What do I say?
That's kind of how I feel tonight. What do I say?
I don't know how to say what's on my mind.
Brock and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have two amazing little boys and another baby on the way. We have always been pretty mature for our age. We make decisions that aren't always popular with those around us because we may choose God or the church over parties and "fun". I consider us level headed. We always want to do what's best for our family. We are nice people. We aren't perfect, but we try to be the best we can be.
Have you ever had that one person who just wants to ruin it? Have you ever had that one person who just wants to tear you down? What do you say to those people? What do you say to the person who calls you and picks fights with you over pictures you post on Facebook? Grow up? Let me live my life? What do you say to the person who is always the victim?
I feel defeated. Mostly, I feel that I'm doing something wrong by shielding my children from the drama and hardships that myself and Brock have had to endure. And that makes me angry. I don't want to be angry. I realize that I am not doing myself much good by asking these rhetorical questions, but sometimes a girl just has to get it out, right? :)
I'm thanking God today that I have the family that I do. Brock and I have an amazing support system. We are blessed by friends and family that love us and support our decisions. Even though there may be some that don't agree, we are in good company.
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." John 15:18-19
I don't know how to say what's on my mind.
Brock and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have two amazing little boys and another baby on the way. We have always been pretty mature for our age. We make decisions that aren't always popular with those around us because we may choose God or the church over parties and "fun". I consider us level headed. We always want to do what's best for our family. We are nice people. We aren't perfect, but we try to be the best we can be.
Have you ever had that one person who just wants to ruin it? Have you ever had that one person who just wants to tear you down? What do you say to those people? What do you say to the person who calls you and picks fights with you over pictures you post on Facebook? Grow up? Let me live my life? What do you say to the person who is always the victim?
I feel defeated. Mostly, I feel that I'm doing something wrong by shielding my children from the drama and hardships that myself and Brock have had to endure. And that makes me angry. I don't want to be angry. I realize that I am not doing myself much good by asking these rhetorical questions, but sometimes a girl just has to get it out, right? :)
I'm thanking God today that I have the family that I do. Brock and I have an amazing support system. We are blessed by friends and family that love us and support our decisions. Even though there may be some that don't agree, we are in good company.
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." John 15:18-19
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Bedtime
I know that it is no secret that we struggle with bedtime. Ryker, our first born, loves to cuddle. He wants to be close and he doesn't like to sleep alone. You can guarantee that he will come in to our room at least once per night. (If it's after 5am, he wins and stays in bed with me/us.) This tends to be worse on nights that Brock is working.
We had a late night last night and an early morning today. I knew that Ryker was tired and I told him this afternoon that he needed to rest. I dozed off with him sitting next to me. He fell asleep shortly before my alarm went off at 4. When I tried to wake him, he wouldn't wake up. Ugh. I knew bed time would be interesting. So instead of fighting it, I let him stay up about 30 minutes later than normal. Bedtime went smooth and I thought, "This is going to work." HA! He was up after about 5 minutes.
He started to cry about how he wanted to snuggle with me. (This makes it even more difficult to put him to bed!) I took him back to bed twice and he just wasn't staying. This is usually the point that I begin to get angry and pretty much unreasonable. Instead, I asked him what he was scared of. I told him to lay down and he begged me to stay in his room with him. I looked at him and said "God is always here with you. You can talk to him when you are scared." Ryker looked at me and said "Mommy, I want you to sing to me. Please sing Jesus loves me." I stood in there and sang to him, Jesus loves me, Amazing Grace, It is Well with my Soul. When I was finished, I prayed over him. I prayed out loud that God would be with him and calm his fears. I prayed that God would wrap His arms around Ryker and make him feel safe.
When I said Amen, Ryker looked at me and said "Mommy, does God stay up late?" And I told him that God never sleeps. Ryker laughed and said "You mean He never gets tired?" I was able to look into the eyes of my 4 year old and say to him "Baby, God is always listening to you. He never sleeps. He never leaves you. He will always comfort you if you just ask."
Tonight I'm thanking God that Ryker had trouble falling asleep. He provided that moment for the two of us to talk and pray together. Those moments make me thankful.
We had a late night last night and an early morning today. I knew that Ryker was tired and I told him this afternoon that he needed to rest. I dozed off with him sitting next to me. He fell asleep shortly before my alarm went off at 4. When I tried to wake him, he wouldn't wake up. Ugh. I knew bed time would be interesting. So instead of fighting it, I let him stay up about 30 minutes later than normal. Bedtime went smooth and I thought, "This is going to work." HA! He was up after about 5 minutes.
He started to cry about how he wanted to snuggle with me. (This makes it even more difficult to put him to bed!) I took him back to bed twice and he just wasn't staying. This is usually the point that I begin to get angry and pretty much unreasonable. Instead, I asked him what he was scared of. I told him to lay down and he begged me to stay in his room with him. I looked at him and said "God is always here with you. You can talk to him when you are scared." Ryker looked at me and said "Mommy, I want you to sing to me. Please sing Jesus loves me." I stood in there and sang to him, Jesus loves me, Amazing Grace, It is Well with my Soul. When I was finished, I prayed over him. I prayed out loud that God would be with him and calm his fears. I prayed that God would wrap His arms around Ryker and make him feel safe.
When I said Amen, Ryker looked at me and said "Mommy, does God stay up late?" And I told him that God never sleeps. Ryker laughed and said "You mean He never gets tired?" I was able to look into the eyes of my 4 year old and say to him "Baby, God is always listening to you. He never sleeps. He never leaves you. He will always comfort you if you just ask."
Tonight I'm thanking God that Ryker had trouble falling asleep. He provided that moment for the two of us to talk and pray together. Those moments make me thankful.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Doubts
I'm pretty sure I'm screwing this up.
A little over 24 hours ago, I was fighting with my husband over an issue that has gone unresolved.
A little over an hour ago, I was giving Madox a bath and he was smacking me because he didn't want to be washed.
A little over 30 minutes ago, Ryker was screaming at me from his room because he was disrespectful and was put to bed without snuggling and watching a show.
I'm positive I'm screwing this up.
Some days it just feels like all I do is let people down. I let me friends down because I'm not as available as I should be to them. I let my kids down because I had a rough day at work and I'm yelling at them instead of listening. I let my coworkers down because some days I'm just too tired to give 100%. I let my husband down because he doesn't get any attention from me. I let God down because if He gets anything from me on these days, it's worse than sloppy seconds.
I often find myself thinking, "How do I even begin to go on?" It feels like I'm up against impossible odds. No one is getting the best of me. NO ONE. I'm not even getting the best of me. Some days I feel like I just want to sit in my bed and cry instead of facing the day.
Yesterday at church, my dad preached about the Great Commission. He talked about how we are to make disciples. We are to tell people about His great love. I felt something stirring inside me. In my bible, I wrote this prayer: "God, I was made for more. You have something in store for me. Show me!!" I find myself praying this prayer on the bad days. Not asking for Him to remove me from my current situation, but reassuring myself that God has plans for me. He has me here for a reason. He is allowing me to face these trials for a purpose. I pray that He reminds me every day that I really am blessed. I pray that He shows me what my heart is longing for...that contentment in every day life, no matter the circumstance.
Thanks for letting me share my messy heart with you.
A little over 24 hours ago, I was fighting with my husband over an issue that has gone unresolved.
A little over an hour ago, I was giving Madox a bath and he was smacking me because he didn't want to be washed.
A little over 30 minutes ago, Ryker was screaming at me from his room because he was disrespectful and was put to bed without snuggling and watching a show.
I'm positive I'm screwing this up.
Some days it just feels like all I do is let people down. I let me friends down because I'm not as available as I should be to them. I let my kids down because I had a rough day at work and I'm yelling at them instead of listening. I let my coworkers down because some days I'm just too tired to give 100%. I let my husband down because he doesn't get any attention from me. I let God down because if He gets anything from me on these days, it's worse than sloppy seconds.
I often find myself thinking, "How do I even begin to go on?" It feels like I'm up against impossible odds. No one is getting the best of me. NO ONE. I'm not even getting the best of me. Some days I feel like I just want to sit in my bed and cry instead of facing the day.
Yesterday at church, my dad preached about the Great Commission. He talked about how we are to make disciples. We are to tell people about His great love. I felt something stirring inside me. In my bible, I wrote this prayer: "God, I was made for more. You have something in store for me. Show me!!" I find myself praying this prayer on the bad days. Not asking for Him to remove me from my current situation, but reassuring myself that God has plans for me. He has me here for a reason. He is allowing me to face these trials for a purpose. I pray that He reminds me every day that I really am blessed. I pray that He shows me what my heart is longing for...that contentment in every day life, no matter the circumstance.
Thanks for letting me share my messy heart with you.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Kindness
I have been told a couple times this week "Use your authoritative voice."
I don't usually have that kind of tone unless the words "Ryker Timothy" or "Madox Owen" are coming out of my mouth!
Do you ever wonder what happened to kindness and common courtesy? I feel like people wear it as a badge of honor if they can bully someone in to something. It is incredibly frustrating. Especially for someone who is not particularly blunt face to face.
Facebook plays a big role in this. People hide behind their computer screens and rant. They say what they want and delete you or unfriend you when they don't like what you have to say. I have been guilty of this before but seriously?! How pathetic is that? You made me mad so I'm going to unfriend you! How childish!
I guess this my version of hiding behind a computer screen and ranting, :) but can we at least be kind to one another? Take the high road and be kind, even when it hurts!
I don't usually have that kind of tone unless the words "Ryker Timothy" or "Madox Owen" are coming out of my mouth!
Do you ever wonder what happened to kindness and common courtesy? I feel like people wear it as a badge of honor if they can bully someone in to something. It is incredibly frustrating. Especially for someone who is not particularly blunt face to face.
Facebook plays a big role in this. People hide behind their computer screens and rant. They say what they want and delete you or unfriend you when they don't like what you have to say. I have been guilty of this before but seriously?! How pathetic is that? You made me mad so I'm going to unfriend you! How childish!
I guess this my version of hiding behind a computer screen and ranting, :) but can we at least be kind to one another? Take the high road and be kind, even when it hurts!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Sunday Morning
Here it is again. Sunday morning.
Worship is my favorite thing. Heaven is going to be a blast. I love to sing.
I actually led worship this morning and I believe I was convicted myself.
This morning I shared John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." This is by far my favorite verse right now. So much in one little verse. Do you understand the weight this holds?! Jesus has OVERCOME the WORLD!!
Why do I worry? Why don't I give everything to God? Why don't I worship in EVERYTHING I do? Am I living like I should? Sometimes I feel like a failure. I feel like people must look at me and think, "she's really messing it up." But God looks at me and says "You are mine. I love you and I have overcome the world for you!"
Oh friends, my God loves me but he also loves YOU! He loves you just like he loves me and every other person we know and don't know. I pray that God would use me to witness to those around me.
God I pray that I would be different. Make me like you, please make me like you. I love you and I want to serve you. Thank you for your everlasting love and forgiveness. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for the conviction of the Holy Spirit. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
Worship is my favorite thing. Heaven is going to be a blast. I love to sing.
I actually led worship this morning and I believe I was convicted myself.
This morning I shared John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." This is by far my favorite verse right now. So much in one little verse. Do you understand the weight this holds?! Jesus has OVERCOME the WORLD!!
Why do I worry? Why don't I give everything to God? Why don't I worship in EVERYTHING I do? Am I living like I should? Sometimes I feel like a failure. I feel like people must look at me and think, "she's really messing it up." But God looks at me and says "You are mine. I love you and I have overcome the world for you!"
Oh friends, my God loves me but he also loves YOU! He loves you just like he loves me and every other person we know and don't know. I pray that God would use me to witness to those around me.
God I pray that I would be different. Make me like you, please make me like you. I love you and I want to serve you. Thank you for your everlasting love and forgiveness. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for the conviction of the Holy Spirit. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
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