Fire Life

As most of you know, I am a fire wife.
It's a weird life. It's a great life. I'm so proud of my husband and his career. As we dated, he would talk about wanting to be a firefighter and I would become excited about being able to call myself a firefighter's girlfriend/wife. My father in law is a firefighter and as Brock and I "grew up" together, we saw this life modeled in front of us. We saw the good times and the hard times. I remember one particular night that Brock dropped me off at home. I went inside to watch the news with my parents and saw that a few firefighters had been taken to the hospital...and then my phone rang. I remember being terrified as we drove to the hospital. Tim had been taken in for smoke inhalation and he was fine, but it didn't take away the fear.

As dreams became a reality and Brock interviewed for the fire department, perspectives changed. We had an almost one year old at home and Brock was getting ready to leave for the first week of fire academy in Champaign. Six weeks he would be gone. He came home on the weekends, but I would cry and cry as he left Sunday night to drive back. It was hard. I was lonely, but I was proud.

This life that we live is not easy. It is lonely at times and it can be so frustrating. We plan everything around Brock's schedule, at least we try to. Brock misses things because he is working. We have adapted to this. Every time I send a text or make a phone call that is unanswered, a slight twinge of panic builds up in me. It's scary in that moment but then to think about the long term effects of the environment that they work in. The threat of cancer and other diseases that my husband may be diagnosed with some day. It's just too much to think about at times.

Why am I talking about this? I want you to understand that it is terrifying to think about what my husband does every day. As if this is not enough, we have to worry about budget cuts, lay offs and the safety of the community being in jeopardy. While I'm worrying about my husband being injured in a fire, I'm also worrying about whether the next city council meeting will end his career as a firefighter. It's also scary to think about lay offs that won't impact my husband because they impact another one of the fire families. The cut in personnel may put my husband in more danger because they do not have enough staffing.

Isn't it enough to worry about the job itself without all these other issues?
Please remember our fire families in this community. You may think that they are sitting in the station doing nothing, but that's really a good day for our community. A day that no one lost a loved one or their home. You see, the firefighters are like insurance. You pay for it and you hope that you never have to use it, but thank God you have it when you need it.
Please pray that our community will see the worth in our department and our firefighters.

Ice Cream and Deep Thoughts

This week has been tough and as I drown my sorrows over some Ben and Jerry's Phish Food, I feel like I should write. There is not much that I can say as I'm struggling with stories and situations that aren't all my own. Sometimes life is so unfair. Life can be going just as you thought it should be and then there is a curveball. It doesn't feel like a curveball though. Most of the time it feels like a big, fat punch in the gut.

Let me talk about one situation that I know I can. I had to say goodbye today. A colleague of mine is moving on to another job. I am thrilled for her. She will do an amazing job as a school nurse! I am even taking her job at Carle in the Orthopedics department (with some fantastic coworkers). This isn't the first time I've had to tell her goodbye, because as some of you know, she left me at the VA and then I followed her to Carle. Today was her last day at work and it was awful!! I'm so thankful that we had this whole week to work together as we did some last minute training. I hugged her goodbye and we cried. It is not going to be the same at Carle without her. Brooke, I will miss you so much! It is making me cry a little bit to think about!

God never gives us more than we can handle. Ugh...I don't know if I like that statement. I think that sometimes God gives us more than we can handle so we can rely on him. The thought above about missing my Brookers (haha! Gotta love the Dr. Plattner nicknames) may seem pretty manageable except that it has been piled on top of other things this week. It seems like it was just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. So, thanks Brooke for letting me cry and be a little more emotional than I expected I would be. Thanks for being my friend and for being a great nurse to look up to! I'm so thankful for you! :)

Feeling thankful

Let me just start by saying,

I had a great weekend.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I'm very blessed.
I'm very thankful.

I've just had this sad feeling all weekend. I've cried more than I wanted to. My husband has been amazing. He lets me cry and comforts me. I know he doesn't understand my emotions. I don't understand them a lot of the time, but he has to put up with a lot of stuff. I'm so thankful for him. I can't imagine what he must think sometimes! (Ha!)

Bed time is always a struggle at our house and last night and tonight were no different. Ryker was crying. He was up out of his bed and back in his bed again. I get so frustrated with him but tonight I just wanted to snuggle him a little longer. I hear people say to be thankful for every moment because it will go so quickly. I feel like that is hard in some of those moments.
Tonight I could honestly say that even though Ryker was crying and whining, I was thankful that he had the ability to talk. As he was getting out of his bed, I was thankful that he had the ability to walk. It feels good to be thankful in some of those tough moments. I now know that it is possible! :)

I know that a lot of my emotion stems from losing the baby. (For those of you that don't know, I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago.) I was doing pretty well and I honestly thought, "I'm taking this better than I thought I would." I was 9 weeks pregnant when I found out that I was having a miscarriage. I was making plans in my head. I saw three car seats in the back of my van. I saw my two boys sharing a room so the new baby could have the nursery. How silly of me to think that I was done grieving. I know there are far worse things in this life that I could experience, but even though I know that, I need to allow myself time to be sad.

I appreciate all the prayers and support that have been offered to our family. I know that God has blessed us in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I know that He has a plan for us. I'm thankful for my faith and hope in Jesus. How can others get through the hard times without Him?

Just Surviving

I don't know about you, but when I'm at work, I start making this mental list. It usually goes something like this:

-Pick the kids up
-Make dinner
-Play something really fun with them
-Create something, maybe with play doh
-Watch a show
-Say prayers
-Put the kids to bed
-Fold laundry
-Clean the toilets
-Clean out my closet
-Read my bible
-Go to bed at a decent time

This evening started out harmless. I went and picked the kids up from my parent's house. While I was there my mom told me that Big R had some scrub tops and pants on sale for $5 (score!) I decided that a quick trip to Big R could be feasible and then I could complete my list. Let me just tell you, if you were in a 5 mile radius of Big R around 5:30-6:00, and you heard screaming, that would be my child. I don't know why he was screaming. All I knew was that he wasn't happy and he was letting everyone know about it.

We finally get home from the Big R fiasco. I walk in the door and I am greeted by Remi, our new puppy (yeah, let's not even talk about how she came about...let's just move on). Ryker says, "Why is Remi out of her cage?" I began to answer and then stepped on something soft, poop to be exact. As I'm trying to get the boys in the door, keep the dog from darting out, clean up poop and keep Madox out of the poop, the screaming begins again. I think, "Maybe he is hungry?." I quickly get the dogs out and get the kids some dinner. Come to find out, Remi chewed a nice little hole in her enclosure.

This new discovery then calls for a trip to Wal-Mart. We actually get in and out of Wal-Mart pretty quickly without much to report. We come home, I change Madox and put him to bed. He must just be tired. Nope...I think he screamed for 15 minutes. I decide to let Ryker stay up late tonight because he took a nap at the babysitter's today. As soon as I put him to bed (at 9:15, an hour and 15 minutes after his normal bedtime), his screaming begins.

Needless to say, not much was accomplished on my list tonight. Do you ever feel like you have days where you just survive? That was today for me. I'm lucky that I got through. Please believe me when I say that you aren't alone if you feel like you are failing. It was all I could do to choke back tears tonight as I sat on the couch. The screaming had finally stopped. It was 9:50 and I was going to bed in 10 minutes. Haha...that didn't quite happen.

I think these days come around to knock us down a few notches. Man, I know sometimes I catch myself thinking, "I'm pretty awesome. I get things done. I take care of my kids. I play with them." Then in the next moment, my child is screaming. Waking me from a dream! I know I'm a good mom, but I also know that I screw up. I'm so thankful that God works through us even when we screw up. My kids know that I'm not a bad mom, but I may have a bad day. That happens.

Sometimes, you just have to let the things that need to be done, sit. I have a basket full of laundry sitting on my couch. I knew in that moment that I needed some alone time, to write and to read, not fold a basket of laundry. That basket will be there in the morning. Make it wait. On days that you may be "just surviving", don't forget to take a break for yourself and don't forget to thank God for getting you through another day, as crazy as it may have been!