Not Right Now

Not Right Now...

Have you heard this song?
If not, listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ullv_XN2d8M

Now, my house didn't burn down, but life has thrown Brock and me a curve ball. If you look up the meaning behind this song, Jason Gray talks about how it was inspired by the story of Job and his so called friends who came to encourage him. Have you ever been in the spot of Job's friends? Trying to encourage someone who feels like everything is falling apart? It's tough. You just want to say something. Anything. Typically, nothing we say will provide any comfort, but as their friend, we feel obligated to try.

I have not been on the other side of this very often. I've not been the one who need comforted. Can I just tell you, it sucks. People are trying their hardest to make you feel better and you want to, but you just can't. It's not all the time, you know. I don't always feel like I want to burst into tears. Just in the quiet moments, when it hits me again. Then I dial it back. There are so many worse things that could happen. Is it sad that I have to worry about grieving? I think about the things that could have been and the tears come again.

God has a plan and I know that. There is a reason that this happened and I know that. But if I may, allow me to quote the end of the song I shared:

"While I wait for the smoke to clear, you don't even have to speak.
Just sit with me in the ashes here and together we can pray for peace
to the one acquainted with our grief."

Please don't take this negatively. I appreciate the kind words, but once again, let me say,
"I know someday. I know somehow. I'll be ok, but not right now. No, not right now."

Love you all! <3

Discouraged

I'm not very good at keeping up with this on a regular basis. I come here when I really don't know how to keep it all in. I feel like there are so many things going through my mind that they have to come out. I don't even care if anyone reads it...it just has to go somewhere.

I woke up this morning just like usual. I think the first words that popped in my head were "God, I'm not strong enough for this." As I got ready for work, I found myself saying "God, don't I already have enough on my plate?" "I am dealing with stressors in other parts of my life. Not this, please." I'm begging him. "I don't understand." "Haven't you tested me enough?" "Haven't I cried enough tears?" Tears are streaming down my face.

Now I know there are far worse things in life than what I may be going through at this particular time. But don't you ever feel this way? As if what I'm dealing with at this moment wasn't enough, we had another situation arise today that just seems to be ongoing. I can see the stress building as I want to scream "WHY GOD?" We are dealing with enough today...not this too. In my frustration, I know that God has me in His hands. In my desperation, I know He will comfort me. In my fear, I know He will protect me.


"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Who am I to doubt a God who loves me? Who am I to doubt a God who allows me to cast my sin on him? Who am I to doubt a God who DIED for me? Life is hard, but how great will our reward be if we are faithful to the only one in whom we should trust. Praise the Lord for his promise.

Though the sorrow may last for the night, his joy comes in the morning.